Something I have realized about myself this week is that if I feel insecure in a relationship (any type of relationship) I get upset, emotional, grumpy and mean. What a broken thing to realize about myself.
What is it about feeling "less than" that causes me to respond in a way that actually makes me act "less than" what God has called me to be and who I am becoming? Its almost like I somehow believe that if I act horribly i'll push you (whoever you may be) away. If I push "you" away it causes me to feel like I am in control and you cant hurt me. What a destructive, pain causing thought process. How in the world is it has taken me 26 years to see this brokenness in myself is beyond me. What a lie I have been believing. Of course I end up hurt and most likely I created the situation or helped lead to that hurt me all because I got insecure. Its amazing how insecurities (Which I feel we don't fight seriously enough) can be so powerful and destructive to our becoming. In my actions I decided for you that I was not enough and then proceeded to act like it.
Is there a reason I react in this way? Of course! Childhood and life's hurts create patterns of behavior that we see as protective but are actually very destructive and unhealthy. It may seem in the moment to be more painful to choose to continue to be vulnerable, available, loving, forgiving, and gracious with the risk of rejection looming about, but I don't think it actually is. I am starting to trust that in the long run, knowing I took the step and believed that I was worth it, and the process of becoming was worth it even if there is rejection will be strength giving.
To those of you who have continued to show up in my life and who have when I have acted this way forgiven me without me even realizing it or asking for it, I thank you. Your love in my life to continually point me to truth and the support of my process of becoming has helped push and encourage me to become more than I was yesterday, to react with compassion, embrace the brokenness and refuse to let it win. I want you to know that you are true, beautiful, and grace giving.
Now begins the story of changing, of becoming, and of choosing strength. Won't you join me?
What is it about feeling "less than" that causes me to respond in a way that actually makes me act "less than" what God has called me to be and who I am becoming? Its almost like I somehow believe that if I act horribly i'll push you (whoever you may be) away. If I push "you" away it causes me to feel like I am in control and you cant hurt me. What a destructive, pain causing thought process. How in the world is it has taken me 26 years to see this brokenness in myself is beyond me. What a lie I have been believing. Of course I end up hurt and most likely I created the situation or helped lead to that hurt me all because I got insecure. Its amazing how insecurities (Which I feel we don't fight seriously enough) can be so powerful and destructive to our becoming. In my actions I decided for you that I was not enough and then proceeded to act like it.
Is there a reason I react in this way? Of course! Childhood and life's hurts create patterns of behavior that we see as protective but are actually very destructive and unhealthy. It may seem in the moment to be more painful to choose to continue to be vulnerable, available, loving, forgiving, and gracious with the risk of rejection looming about, but I don't think it actually is. I am starting to trust that in the long run, knowing I took the step and believed that I was worth it, and the process of becoming was worth it even if there is rejection will be strength giving.
To those of you who have continued to show up in my life and who have when I have acted this way forgiven me without me even realizing it or asking for it, I thank you. Your love in my life to continually point me to truth and the support of my process of becoming has helped push and encourage me to become more than I was yesterday, to react with compassion, embrace the brokenness and refuse to let it win. I want you to know that you are true, beautiful, and grace giving.
Now begins the story of changing, of becoming, and of choosing strength. Won't you join me?
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