feelings...

so i found my younger sister,older sister,younger brother and older brother...have talked to my sisters...older bro hasnt called me back yet and younger bro just hasnt called yet...


this whole thing has been super scary...would they want to talk to me..do they even have any interest? I mean jade and jarod tried to contact me a while back and i said no..so now will they want anything to do with me? Its been like 17 years...or their entire lifetime...what really makes someone a sibling...is it birth, is it choice? I dont just want to find them, i want to build a relationship with them, but will they want any part of that?? Is it oh she is okay, thats good and leave it there ya know...
Well so i have talked to Jade and Kenyada..both went well in my opinion...i would love to forge a relationship with them, family is so important..i dont know if they have the same feelings or not... I called my older bro jarod on thursday, he has yet to return my call..guess its not important to him... its sometimes hard to realize what you want, isnt what others want ya know? I think ill call my little bro jesse tonight or tomorrow night...its weird how in my heart i love all four of them, yet i dont really know them...its almost a natural thing ya know?? i cant discribe it... and i feel weird and vulnerable... but i am still excited about this all...

differences...

between sisters...
So today i was thinking how different my sister Katie and i are...

• she is preppy/cowgirlish(however that works): I am granolaish:)
• she cant live without country: I prefer a rockier or folkish sound
• she thinks my sense of humor is retarded:i think she doesnt have one
• she wont be "silly" in public: being silly in public is part of life:)
• all she has pierced is her ears:i have my nose pierced
• her friends are preppy or whatever:mine are a comglomerate of who knows what
• she has no desire to (and never has) to go to any bible school: I am on year two
• She is going for a degree in political science/government: This next fall i am goign to massage school
• she is SUPER outgoing: i am alot more introverted(she keeps telling me to break out of my shell)
• she loves to run: i think she is crazy for it
• she dyes her hair blonder:i dye mine brown
• she is 5'6"(average): i am 5'3"(short)
• She could care less about the past:it interests me and i wonder
• she is withdrawn emotionally(i guess emotionally distantish):i need to learn to control my emotions

so ya those are just some of our differences..it makes me laugh... and i guess think...how can two people growing up in the same household(well minus 4 years) be so different...what makes us who we are????

sometimes...

...you just feel like writing....

really not sure what though...

• sometimes i think about the past and wonder what and why
• Sometimes i think about the future and do the same
• i was reading a karen kingsberry book last night and couldnt stop bawling(really quite pathetic)
• in biblical counseling class we had to pick a sin to work on... i went with being controlled by emotions...
• not sure how that will playout yet
• its weird how my sister katie and i have the same issues yet they play out differently(or so i think)
• man i miss getting hugs, i feel since coming to bozeman i dont get enough
• i love to give massages but feel like i dont really have anyone in bozeman to give them too
• this saturday we may take a journey to billings, that should be a fun/FUNNY adventure
• i am sad i dont get invited to any of the bible college things
• i would love to see one of my two best friends
• sometimes i wonder why people ask my advice or tell me things because half (actually most of the time) i have no idea what to say, and i fail.
• if i go without laughing for any semi medium amount of time, i start to feel sad
• according to Mckenna i have a passion for birth-defected australians(actually he was new zealand there Mckenna:))
• i need to work on not reacting:P
• dawn loves to run over small kittens in her car( i swear i didnt put that as your status,whoever did is funny though)
• my class on cults is SUPER interesting, but half the time i am blown away how it even makes sense to them
• i would love to be able to write a book

well i am getting tired..so i shall continue my crazy lists later

long time...

no write...

I thought i would stop in and say hi...sorry i go through bouts of good blog writting haha... lets see...there is nothing really new going on in my life..

• still in bozeman...
• oh wait my amazing best friend Rachel is engaged and gettting married...
• i am sad i am not there to help her plan :( wish i was!
• i may be developing a new crush...
• i shall counsel at snow camp in feb and am super excited
• i shall turn 21 while at snow camp haha
• i saw an adorable little boy today with glasses almost as big as his face..SO CUTE
• we are singing Uncreated one by Chris Tomin in choir..guys check out those lyrics its amazing
• i am signing off...

ADIOS MI AMIGOS...BUENOS NOCHES

my classes...

this semester are:

Intro to Philosophy

Intro to Biblical Counseling

Choir

Cults and the Occult

Evangelism and Discipleship II

Spiritual Warfare in missions

trains...

are slow...

okay so my train was supossed to leave monday morning at 7:46 am, and get to my destination tuesday at 3:10 am...but this is what really happened left montana at 4:10 am on tuesday and reached my destination at 2;30(montana time) am wednesday morning....i was on that train for 22 hours, but actually it wasnt so bad, slept most of the time,stared out of the window,only read one and half books i know shocker of all shockers... talked to no one...i was not being anti social just no one sitting near me so i didnt go out of my way and make alot of effort obviously...g2g get ready for youth group more laterz peace
karda

new years day...

and my feelings...

KO, so my news years plans were not the intricate but they were special.. i went on a "date" with my best friend rachel...we went to the thai palace, then went and rented like four movies(death race,i can do bad all by myself(tyler perry play), ghost town, and two weeks notice) then went for smoothies and shared a blondie brownie at applebees, then came home and watched part of diary of a mad black woman with momma lisa,and then we watched two weeks notice..i like that movie alot...so as you can see man are we ever cool...haha...it was nice to have a "date" with her... so ya then today rachels parents,me,rachel and her two four year old brothers went sledding,then we got sarah("our" sister who is 14, actually rachels little sis), and matt(rachels boyfriend) joined us and we went to perkins for dinner, then matt,rachel and i rented wanted and came home and watched it...cant say i am a fan...just not my style i guess... tomorrow or such we shall watch death race...must say i am excited lol...

ok so my feelings i was just thinking how sad it is that i am not really friends with anyone i went to high school with, we never really talk to each other and that makes me sad,but i must say its pretty much my fault..i never really made an effort with them and now that makes me sad:(...

also today was kinda emotional for me...there were a few tears shed...silly friend...i love them alot,but hey lets face it they are flakey lol and can really hurt my feelings, i know they mean well and i actually believe they do love me,but sometimes in my dramaticness i forget that or have too high expectations for this person...you would think by now i would know that but i guess i keep hoping...but no matter what i love them and always will they are my friend and i am loyal...so ya there are my feelings and such ha

friendship(version2)

...another...

...blog...

hey there world....so Rachels actually gets home tonight! I am excited to have her back, i have missed her beautiful face:) haha...so on monday i take the train to minnesota, hopefully it is not too long of a ride...haha never been on a train, i am sure it will be a fun adventure in the land of trains ahaha! LOVE YOU WORLD

my christmas...

...was good....

So considering all i had a good christmas I was at rachels house( actually still am till the fifth when i go to minnesota), havent been doing alot, just chillaxing with rachel and her family( went to caitlins house on friday and came back to rachels house today) currently watching the Ringer with Sarah, rachels little sister. Btw the game loaded questions is a fun adventure...played it a couple of times with rachels family.

Gotta Be Somebody

By Nickelback

This time I wonder what it feels like

To find the one in this life

The one we all dream of

But dreams just aren't enough

So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.

I'll know it by the feeling.

The moment when we´re meeting

We'll play out like a scene straight off the silver screen

So I`ll be holdin’ my own breath

Right up to the end

Until that moment when

I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go in on their own

And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.

Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere.

There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight

And damn it this feels too right

It´s just like Déjà Vu

Me standin’ here with you

So I´ll be holdin`my breath

Could this be the end?

Is it that moment whenI

find the one that I'll spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there

'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go in on their own

And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.

Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?

There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
When you're lookin´ for that diamond in the rough

Because you never know but when it shows up

Make sure you´re holdin` on

‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There has gotta be somebody for me

Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to go in on their own

And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.

Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?

There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there

'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?

There has gotta be somebody for me out there.

This is currently my favorite song, it pretty much says what i am feeling!!!!

let it snow...

let it snow....

Man there is alot of snow!!! It is quite beautiful, it makes me dream of things to come, the joy they shall bring and the pain that may lay ahead, but I know with God by my side all will be made right in His time. It can be hard to wait for his time but it is something I must do for things to be the way they should be.

Okay so i am done being deep or whatever, I am at Rachels house for the holidays and then the 5th i take the train to minnesota to chill with Demina and then ride back up with her.... so ya that should be fun... I just want to say God has blessed me so immensly with great friends who are like family to me and he knew i would need that and man isnt he amazing???

the journey...

...to the college life christmas party...

So caitlin and i went to the college life christmas party but what a journey it was to get there lol...we drove up and down this one road i swear 4 times looking for elk grove, called someone twice and stopped at a gas station before finally getting there off a different road(thank you gas station attendant!) We were laughing so hard we were crying, because we were pretty sure we were retarded but then when leaving we discovered you turn on violet then elk grove and thus was our problemo lol... had fun playing mennonite madness and there was a white elephant gift exchange and my desired gift got stolen at the last minute(an aubrey hepburn breakfast at tiffany's photo) and i ended up with some anti static cling spray....sad sad day though Sallianne did have to rap you are my sunshine to take my prized possesion which made the loss a little more bearable.... one really cool idea was that everyone had to bring two dozen cookies then each person made up a plate of a dozen or so and we put a christmas card on them and then you give them to your neighbors...i think its thoughtful and brilliant...

so tomorrow night i have a wedding to go to, my first one in like 2 years lol...it should be beautiful and i am excited...so much love to you all and a good night too...may God grant you great peace and joy today and forever more!!!

...santa...

...all i want for christmas...
so i felt like writting a blog..not even sure what to say but i guess i love you and merry christmas... GIVE ME A CALL SOMETIME!!

...thanksgving...

....in minnesota...
So i traveled to the state of minnesota so join my friend Demina's family for the holiday of thanks. We rode down with this boy micah from the bible college in his 3 cillander geo metro lol..(cost us each like 24 dollars round trip for gas), i had a fabulous time there, i really enjoyed demina's family...well on the journey home right outside milescity Micah's driver side window just shattered, not a peice of glass left in the pane...no idea why(maybe altitude), omw was it ever freezing, i wrapped myself in his sleeping bag and demina used my blanket, we also stopped in billings so we could warm up lol...what memories..haha...

this past weekend was the bible colleges christmas things lol... Demina,McKenna and I went to the one on thursday night for exactly 30 minutes...we didnt really want to be there lol(and we wonder why people dont invite us to stuff lol),then we rented a movie and watched it at my house... we skipped the banquet on friday night and Demina and i went to a concert in the sub cuz my friend allens band was playing(he like invited me in september), it was okay hardcore music isnt really my cup of tea..but thanks to greg and being forced to listen to his music lol..it was okay haha...Saturday night angie and lindsay came over for dinner than caitlin and i went to the christmas stroll..its on okay event..so ya...two weeks of school left..but Dawn is coming to visit me this weekend HECK YES!!!!!!!!!!
I havent been thinking any deep or great thoughts lately..but i will leave you with this...
ARE WE HUMANS OR ARE WE DANCERS?

my trip to kali...

....was AMAZING...(well mostly)

So wow ya like 2 weeks ago friday i left to Kalispell to chill for like an extended weekend... I stayed with Rachel...i cant even describe how good it was to see her...my best friend! I hadnt seen her since July like the day before she left for africa... well Saturday we went to lunch at my favorite restaraunt Hu Hot... and then we stopped by famous daves to say hi to greg(havent seen him since graduation) I am not sure i can describe the awkwardness...i would say this was the "bad" part of the trip i wanted to i guess chill with my friend Greg before he left but mostly everytime i saw him it was pretty much extremely awkward..I am not sure if its cause we hadnt seen each other in awhile but mostly i think it was because i used to like him and now he has a girlfriend...well then later that afternoon i chilled with rach and sarah... sunday=church, and i forget what we did that night...lol... monday i went to lunch with matt and we looked around the mall and then picked up rachel:), i got made major fun of cuz matt and rach say i have become even more earth muffin since moving to bozeman...but hey thats who i am and i am chill with that now...didnt used to be...i have always kinda been this way but in my family is was something that i got made fun of for...so i guess in some ways i hid it...anywho tuesday... went to leap with Justin...so good to see him, and so comfortable he is like a brother to me..i love that kid..(he is like 2 years older than me but...:))... it was good to be at leap too...then tuesday night we(rach,matt,and I) went to jonathan and emily's for dinner..it was nice..the dinner (gado gado) was SOOOOOOOO good...greg stopped by to say goodbye..agian WAY awkward...Also i say with great sadness i didnt get to see my friend Jeffy!! Oh btw i saw Coco and Brandon so that was sweet..didnt expect to see them... so overall a good trip...being with the people who know the real me and love me is so comforting and fabulous...man just talking to rachel in person..dying of laughter... oh and laughing so hard at matt( he was running low on sleep:) so funny!)

Okay so ya what else is new?? For thanksgiving i am going to minnisota with my friend Demina...in case you are wondering she got out of icu sunday and then on monday got out of the hospital so she is much much better..Thank you Jesus!!!

So i was contemplating my year at BSBI and this is the conclusion i came to i would so do it agian knowing everything taht would happen i would so do it agian and i am not sure i would change anything...well i guess the times i was a jerk(sorry greg and justin)...it was very sad when rachel left but weirdly i dont think i would change that because it made me step out of her shaddow and make an effort with people and build my own relationships.. i was forced to grow..man i missed rachel and lurve her so MUCH!!

So i just decided i am going to the dominican republic june 15th-27th with dawn and one of her friends on a missions trip... I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!! Its a dream come true!

okay so my sister showed a picture of me to the girls at her work..they said we look alike but i look much older what do you think???( people also say she looks russian..NO)

Oh ya there is this new verse that i love..Zephaniah 3:17 is still my fav but this one is up there

" The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of darkness, a light has dawned." Isaiah 9:2

( Holman Christian Standard)

Its so talking about Jesus coming..wow how beautiful!

secret rendezvous...

....with the neighbor...
ok so its a joke my roomates beth and caitlin and i came up with...i have secret rendezvous with the neighbor..i climb out my window at night and we meet at the flamingos..though we did take a break cuz his max bacus sign upset me...the rendezvous are quite the thing you know..lol

ok so today i was thinking about how our favorite classic movies always have a "savior" we all cling to these because we think it will fill our need..even cinderella and such ya know... it just fascinates me...

so today i had an opportunity to stand alone..we did this thing on values at my mentorship training...so there was a question on if you think established religion was important out of thirty i was the only one who said yes...then there was the question do you think someone should be married before living together..one girl joined me on that..then was death penalty and like 3 joined us and then came whether we agree with the us involvement in iraq.. stood alone agian... so ya.. and the lady asked us on the marriage one how we felt.. i was okay with it which actually surprised me... but ya... this was to prove we all have different values and thats okay and such ya relativism... its everywhere... LOVE YOU

sometimes praying...

through the tears brings healing...

have you been where you thought you were over something, but then something happens and you realize maybe you werent? Today that happened to me but the minute the tears began the prayers also began of blessing and joy for those involved and i could feel the release, the final healing..i think that prayer through the tears is probably what God wanted from me from the start...so there is my insight for the day:)

so last night i went bowling at the msu bowling alley with some friends...it was fun..but shock of all shocks i lost..wow imagine that with my intense bowling skills who would have thought:)? Then we returned to the dorms and a group of us played Quelf omg that is the funniest/funnest game i have ever played in my life... I havent laughed so hard in a long time..i was crying i was laughing so hard... i reccomend this game for everyone its super great and SO MUCH FUN!!! so ya that is pretty much it for today:)

I asked my two best freinds and my sister to describe me... Dawn:honest,genuine,giving,super-sensitive,intelligent Dawn also described me in non adjectives...Moon, old faithful,cherries,teddybear,and lilacs
Katie:joyful,opintionated,conservative,introverted.loyal
Rachel:faithful, passionate,compassionate,joyful,and god focused

what is sin...

.... is shyness???...

today i came to the conclusion that it is, if it makes you not reach out to people or just i guess take an interest in than yes it is, my friend Matt says its not and that i am just trying to overcome my shyness and want to find a reason why i should. He claims that God creates people shy but i have yet too see how that is glorifying to Him. A quiet spirit or quietness maybe of actually for sure but shyness not really. I guess i am on some levels confused on this... I feel that sometimes i come across as a snob and that's not something i want. Maybe its just me not being content in who God made me... i don't know i guess i am struggling with this issue now so if y'all have any input let me know)

Well i am making friends and i don't hate it here anymore:) that's a good sign right??? Classes are still going well. Halloween is coming up and i am pretty much excited. I shall be a basketball player lol...with an Afro:) so what else shall i share? oh yes i went to this thing called A call to worship Sunday night at msu and it was so great just to worship God and feel the weight of the world fall away, and then Caitlin my roommate and i then sang worship songs on the walk back underneath the stars it was really beautiful and just calming i guess. I am also still working on the whole contentment issue but i think i am getting better thank you God! so ya oh and on sunday after church Caitlin and i went to our first home away from home meal with the couple that "adopted" us. I really enjoyed that, they are very neat people. It didnt feel really awkward which is always nice ya know? well i have class tonight and some homework to do actually.... I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hopefully i will keep more up with this:)

Breath
Taking a deep breath
Reminds me I am alive
Alive for what I ask?
Am I alive to wander,
To slowly crawl,
To glory You?
Your deep voice,
Resonates in my heart
To glory Me.
I desire you to glory Me
Even when taking a deep breath
You shout into my heart.

Heart
My heart is yours
From the day I was born
for you it was meant
I do not know your name
Oh but God does
For he created you
There were times when I desired
To give my heart away
Oh but God prevented that
He knew the day would come
When with tears of joy
I would want to gift you with my whole heart
That day has not yet come
I am holding onto God
Fully trusting in His plan
For one day upon you my eyes will fall
And with Gods leading
My heart you’ll hold

Thoughts
Thoughts criss-cross my mind
Missing the familiar
What does my future hold?
Why would our magnificent God choose me?
Does anyone want to be my friend?
Then I am reminded you gently calling
I have loved you with an everlasting love
That is why I have chosen you
And yes though the world may seem to forsake you
I will be your friend

an uber fast...

...update...

hello world what is up my friends?? Hope yall are doing amazingly fabtastically awesome! I love you aunte' b :) well so lets see... its still hard on the making friends front but i am slowly making progress i do believe or so i hope lol...well i have had some little pity parties but thankfully God is there to tell me to get over myself... my life is not about me but all about glorifing Him. Its definately humbling ya know? Well the weekend of the 3-5th of october i will be going on the grace college life retreat that should be a fun adventure and i am excited... oh ya i hang out with my roomate Caitlin quite abit she is a very nice girl, that i get along really well with. Oh ya yesterday i walked all over the place i would say 5 miles or so and that is not an embelishment :) well then i was still hyper last night and said i wanted to dance around so beth put some african music on for me but it was to slow so we updated to swing and man was the fun...Caitlin joined in with my random dancing and then beth taught caitlin the swing steps and then me some new moves..YAY i love dancing... so last night i also went to cru (campus crusade) my second time..its pretty good just really huge... when i got home some chicas from the bible college were watching a movie with beth... so caitlin and i joined in on the watching of enchanted.. i like that movie alot...well i have to go...loves to you all and ya there is my random ramblings :)