my thoughts...

.....from the past week or so....

• I like to think I am all brave and independent, but in reality its a cover so i dont look weak...sometimes unhealthily i think i dont need anyone, or should trust them with my feelings...i think its my defense against more emotional pain...
• my future terrifies me some days: I have always known what my end goal was (even if it changed, I had a plan) for the first time I dont have that, I dont even know what to do for the next section of my life...I have decided to focus on that instead of the rest of my life...
• Can I just say it some days sucks to be 23 and to have never been on a date...I know God has protected me, but sometimes with our culture of dating...you wonder whats wrong with you. Yesterday Rachel and I were talking about this guy I liked one summer, that we think liked me too, and Rachel said I think if he had asked you out, the two of you would be married by now...not going to lie that freaked me out a little... I     think I would not have been ready for marriage then, or even now...so maybe its a good thing I have not been on a date yet, I do pray that the only guy that asks me out, is the guy i marry...but we shall see what God has planned for my life...as being someone who reads the end of the book first, finds out what happens in the movie, and just has plain ol' control issues sometimes does not like not knowing my future....I guess that's probably why... God is trying to teach me patience and dependence on Him..now if i could just hurry up and learn lol 
• With all that I have been feeling, I need to remember above all I have been immensely blessed. Even if I had nothing else the fact that Jesus was willing to die on a cross for my sick,sinfulness is more blessing then any human deserves!

We are called to more....

...then this....

  Okay friends there is an issue I am passionate about, and I have some views here...I hope you see my heart! Human trafficking,sex slavery,and child slavery are all issues that are issues of my heart. There is just something I need to say. We as Americans are ridiculous. We spend all this time talking about Charlie Sheen, Who got voted off dancing with the stars,american idol,survivor,who the cute boy is at the table over in the corner (do you think he loves Jesus? lol), and what movie is our favorite and it needs to stop! I am not saying anything to y'all that I dont need to say to myself. We need to worry more about what is happening to the people around us. Jesus has called us to so much more than who has gotten voted off of America's Next Top Model. We need to stand up and do something. As a church we need to care, it needs to break our hearts. Also I am going to be totally honest with yall, yes its important we worry about animals as they can not protect themselves. Seriously though we are more worried about whether or not the chickens have enough room to move around,PETA, or should you eat meat? In my humble opinion we need to deal with the atrocities that face our fellow neighbors first, once those are all dealt with then we can move on and deal with the issue of if the chickens have enough room. When did animals take precedent over the twelve year old girl sold into sexual slavery in a neighborhood within our very own country? It should not be so my friends.
     This is a call to more, a call to a broken heart for the hurting with us,a call to come and be Jesus' hands and feet. This is not just a call to you, but a call to myself as well. I would love it if as a group of people we could come together for a common cause and make a difference. I plan on finding a cause within this realm and i will introduce it here. I would love it if y'all would come and join me.

new year....

...and i am venting...i guess its more of an emotional outbreak...

     Fakeness, I hate hate hate hate it!!! My life has been filled with people who say one thing and then are not there in the end...the long hall...i feel like its such a common thing among Christians and it bothers me... Christians have clicks and i am not saying i am perfect or that i dont participate in this but its wrong... I can understand being drawn toward people you have things in common with but leaving people out is wrong... I think one of the reasons i am on this rampage is because well relationships are important to me and if i have made any of you not think that i apologize.
   I can definitely admit i am not the greatest at them, i try but i feel as if i fall short all the time...I know i have mentioned this before but i think bozeman ruined this for me... I had three amazing woman of God for friends and we were inseparable...in my heart thats the type of friendship i desire...we teased each other,were there for each other and just had an all around blast. I miss that. I am finally after a year starting to in some situations feel like i fit in...the sad situation ( i am not trying to be dramatic or anything of the sort just sharing my heart) is my church is not one of them...I absolutely love the teaching and the worship...but other than that i dont really feel as i fit in...i have been going (two years this summer) and i do not feel as if i have made any amazing friendships... this is most definitely mostly my fault but it bothers me and i dont know how to go about changing that....any ideas friends? I can pretty much say i know i am going to notice this more because well in a week my work schedule changes and i will be working mon-fri 1:30-6:30 i know i am going to end up with lots of time on my hands and its going to drive me nuts....i thrive off spending time with people..heres praying something changes....

feelings...

so i found my younger sister,older sister,younger brother and older brother...have talked to my sisters...older bro hasnt called me back yet and younger bro just hasnt called yet...


this whole thing has been super scary...would they want to talk to me..do they even have any interest? I mean jade and jarod tried to contact me a while back and i said no..so now will they want anything to do with me? Its been like 17 years...or their entire lifetime...what really makes someone a sibling...is it birth, is it choice? I dont just want to find them, i want to build a relationship with them, but will they want any part of that?? Is it oh she is okay, thats good and leave it there ya know...
Well so i have talked to Jade and Kenyada..both went well in my opinion...i would love to forge a relationship with them, family is so important..i dont know if they have the same feelings or not... I called my older bro jarod on thursday, he has yet to return my call..guess its not important to him... its sometimes hard to realize what you want, isnt what others want ya know? I think ill call my little bro jesse tonight or tomorrow night...its weird how in my heart i love all four of them, yet i dont really know them...its almost a natural thing ya know?? i cant discribe it... and i feel weird and vulnerable... but i am still excited about this all...

new years day...

and my feelings...

KO, so my news years plans were not the intricate but they were special.. i went on a "date" with my best friend rachel...we went to the thai palace, then went and rented like four movies(death race,i can do bad all by myself(tyler perry play), ghost town, and two weeks notice) then went for smoothies and shared a blondie brownie at applebees, then came home and watched part of diary of a mad black woman with momma lisa,and then we watched two weeks notice..i like that movie alot...so as you can see man are we ever cool...haha...it was nice to have a "date" with her... so ya then today rachels parents,me,rachel and her two four year old brothers went sledding,then we got sarah("our" sister who is 14, actually rachels little sis), and matt(rachels boyfriend) joined us and we went to perkins for dinner, then matt,rachel and i rented wanted and came home and watched it...cant say i am a fan...just not my style i guess... tomorrow or such we shall watch death race...must say i am excited lol...

ok so my feelings i was just thinking how sad it is that i am not really friends with anyone i went to high school with, we never really talk to each other and that makes me sad,but i must say its pretty much my fault..i never really made an effort with them and now that makes me sad:(...

also today was kinda emotional for me...there were a few tears shed...silly friend...i love them alot,but hey lets face it they are flakey lol and can really hurt my feelings, i know they mean well and i actually believe they do love me,but sometimes in my dramaticness i forget that or have too high expectations for this person...you would think by now i would know that but i guess i keep hoping...but no matter what i love them and always will they are my friend and i am loyal...so ya there are my feelings and such ha

let it snow...

let it snow....

Man there is alot of snow!!! It is quite beautiful, it makes me dream of things to come, the joy they shall bring and the pain that may lay ahead, but I know with God by my side all will be made right in His time. It can be hard to wait for his time but it is something I must do for things to be the way they should be.

Okay so i am done being deep or whatever, I am at Rachels house for the holidays and then the 5th i take the train to minnesota to chill with Demina and then ride back up with her.... so ya that should be fun... I just want to say God has blessed me so immensly with great friends who are like family to me and he knew i would need that and man isnt he amazing???

secret rendezvous...

....with the neighbor...
ok so its a joke my roomates beth and caitlin and i came up with...i have secret rendezvous with the neighbor..i climb out my window at night and we meet at the flamingos..though we did take a break cuz his max bacus sign upset me...the rendezvous are quite the thing you know..lol

ok so today i was thinking about how our favorite classic movies always have a "savior" we all cling to these because we think it will fill our need..even cinderella and such ya know... it just fascinates me...

so today i had an opportunity to stand alone..we did this thing on values at my mentorship training...so there was a question on if you think established religion was important out of thirty i was the only one who said yes...then there was the question do you think someone should be married before living together..one girl joined me on that..then was death penalty and like 3 joined us and then came whether we agree with the us involvement in iraq.. stood alone agian... so ya.. and the lady asked us on the marriage one how we felt.. i was okay with it which actually surprised me... but ya... this was to prove we all have different values and thats okay and such ya relativism... its everywhere... LOVE YOU

sometimes praying...

through the tears brings healing...

have you been where you thought you were over something, but then something happens and you realize maybe you werent? Today that happened to me but the minute the tears began the prayers also began of blessing and joy for those involved and i could feel the release, the final healing..i think that prayer through the tears is probably what God wanted from me from the start...so there is my insight for the day:)

so last night i went bowling at the msu bowling alley with some friends...it was fun..but shock of all shocks i lost..wow imagine that with my intense bowling skills who would have thought:)? Then we returned to the dorms and a group of us played Quelf omg that is the funniest/funnest game i have ever played in my life... I havent laughed so hard in a long time..i was crying i was laughing so hard... i reccomend this game for everyone its super great and SO MUCH FUN!!! so ya that is pretty much it for today:)

I asked my two best freinds and my sister to describe me... Dawn:honest,genuine,giving,super-sensitive,intelligent Dawn also described me in non adjectives...Moon, old faithful,cherries,teddybear,and lilacs
Katie:joyful,opintionated,conservative,introverted.loyal
Rachel:faithful, passionate,compassionate,joyful,and god focused

hello world...

...its karda...

So week 2 of school starts tomorrow and so far so good..today i went to church at Grace and i liked it and i als:)o went to their college group, that was really cool and very enjoyable. Things are really not so awkward anymore which i am sure happy about! So i think i am on my way to making friends! HECK YES:) So ya what has God been teaching? Well the other day in devotions i was reading in my devotional book My upmost for his highest and it was talking about lusting after things and not necessarily bad things and God really showed me i am lusting after a relationship and that needs to stop... Relationships are not bad things of course but only in Gods perfect timing. So that is something i am currently woking on, and waiting to see how God moves. so ya if you have any advice or comments PLEASE share thanks:)
love you
Karlina

...its a wonder...

...what God can do...

so awhile back i was dealing with some matters of the heart, i couldn't really talk to a person because of my feelings about that person, so i did the "thing" and told them that my side of the relationship had to change, well its wasn't much later one night in chapel at camp i chose a random worship song we hadn't done all summer;
Surrender

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within

I lay it all down for the sake of you my King

I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights

I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to you, all to you

And I surrender all to you, all to you

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross

And all the world holds dear,

I count it all as loss For the sake of knowing You

for the glory of Your name

To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

©2000 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire)Words and Music by Marc James

and for some reason well i loved it the first time, but it just really hit me the second day we sang it...all of a sudden i was on my knees crying( i am sure my girls thought i had lost my mind) that it needs to be something i am living not just singing and its amazing how God can change your heart, your feelings,and your attitude... i am sharing this with the whole not talking thing because God changed my perspective on that He is ultimately in control and i should surrender to Him my feelings and desires and He will take care of them, and i shouldn't shut people out of my life just because it might make my life a little uncomfortable or anything of the sort... i finally felt like i could share this um not sure why or if anyone cares..but there you go.. i actually haven't talked to anyone at all about this yet lol.. love you mucho mas

हहाहहहहाहा....नॉट (its hindu for hahahahaha...not)

so i have been waiting for awhile to talk to someone about a subject, and finally they brought it up,though not much got talked through just me apologizing over and over agian, and the person sitting there not really saying anything, but telling me not to cry(i said i wasnt..that i would when i got off:))...so it was pretty much pointless.. so later they were online and so i finally asked the hard question if we were still friends or if they only put up with me because they felt like they had to.. and the person said they didnt want to talk about it.. to much serious conversation for one night or something.... so really they answered my question in a roundabout way, they also said maybe some day they will talk about it... RAR... just flippin talk about it... so ya i told them taht when they were ready they should let me know...now i feel agian like i should have just shut up.. me and my fricken mouth.. you think i could keep it shut,but NO. Its me the big mouth... My sister the other day at lunch was saying how is only obnoxious and a know it all at home.. not to other people and thus is why people like her,but not me because i am the same everywhere.. so there ya have it... i guess i should be different in public... i know i should.. but this is me...well so i guess... to the person i talked to if you read this which i bet you wont... I am sorry!!

Luvs to you all,
Karlina

venting

so, i have to vent... i am sure if you read these you are wondering why the crap i am always venting lol.. well get over it and dont read it..... i am so sick of me and my stupid heart and such nonsense... i have no luck what-so-ever in manners of the heart... i am 19 years old and i have never been on a date in my life.... i dont really believe that any guy has ever liked me... Definately no one i have ever liked... i mean for instance you just think that maybe this guy you like might like you back(he is acting like it) and then suddenly everything changes and you have no freaking idea what happened...or what you did wrong its really frustrating and you really want to know what happened so in the future you can fix it ya know?.. i also have this problem of liking people that are totally wrong for me... i know this yet... i guess my heart doesnt.. i maybe read something they wrote and this causes me to like them more.. its the dumbest thing on the face of the earth. i guess.. i just need to REALLY pray on this and focus and what Gods will is.. its hard and because of my no luck i feel sad.. .well thats all of my venting... i love you guys
MUAH,
Karda